A Not Too Truthful Account Of The Resort And Its Inhabitants
I read an article in the Gazette recently regarding an expected increase in the number of people visiting St Johns "Wilderness" following the instillation of the Big Wheel. In it the council spokesperson reffered to this as increased "Footfall"? Bloody Footfall?? So if what they tell me about the up and coming season is to be believed then is what im expecting termed as an increase in "Bumfall"? or perhaps "Arsedroppings" Who knows, although I am rather confident that I will meet a lot of turds as usual.
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An anonymous Blackpool cabbie has denied popping over to a big house in Cheshire and shagging the wife of a top professional footballer while he was out giving his sister in law and that Welsh bird from Big Brother a good seeing to. Rumours are thought to have started down the "Pit" by bored cabbies talking shite like they usually do in the taxi trade locally. The same cabbie has been romantically linked to numerous sex sirens including Cheryl Cole, Beyonce, Pippa Middleton, Paris Hilton and Jedward, although most of those rumours started on his facebook wall. A spokesman for the unnamed cabbie (Big Marks Mum) said, "He`s having a light snack at the moment, can you come back in about three hours" We rang his mobile but it went straight to voicemail so we left a message and hope to hear any replies he might have just as soon as the News Of The World get back to us.
Where I come from the sea is a beautiful, inviting, tranquil turquoise colour, here in Blackpool it's a muddy Brown colour that says "Keep Away!" Where I come from the grass is a luscious green colour that says "Please sit and enjoy!" On Blackpool promenade the newly planted grass is a turdy brown colour that says "Something just died here!" How do you northerners do it and more importantly.....Why?
Blackpool hit an all time low at the weekend when a prostitute that quite frankly almost made me want to throw up took up position on the now famous "Snatch Corner" (Palatine and Central Drive). The face looked like Smallpox had taken hold, the tits were sagging so much they almost reached the floor, the arse was so big cars had to swerve to avoid it and her toothless smile did nothing to divert your attention from the rancid smell of her breath, a smell so bad you suspected her mouth contained the rotting remains of a willy she had bitten off at least three weeks earlier, and do you know the worst think about her?.......She still charged twenty quid!
Blackpool's famous Golden Mile has been given a facelift by the council and been renamed "The Gridlocked Mile" by those unlucky enough to have to use it. The busy four laned duel carriageway already suffered a backlog of traffic at peak time, now, thanks to some imaginative block paving and the now anorexic look of the actual road , should you be able to pick out the road from all that pedestrian space, the road is total gridlock all day and most of the night. At first it reminded me of Cheryl Cole, it looked OK but not very practical and way too thin, now, after only a month the unsuitable road surface is looking tired and dirty due to oil and Greece dripping onto it from the non moving traffic. Junctions are being closed and speed bumps are being lowered as the council attempt to do a bit of invisible mending while denying there's a problem. Anyone would think the whole debacle was designed by a pen pusher who didn't live here....oh shit....it was....erm how much did all this cost again? Guess what Blackpool Council.....IT WASN`T WORTH IT!
Prince Charles and the Hooker
You can’t resist British humour!!
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hookers corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
